I have heard people say that their first child is their practice child. This is the child who has the pristine baby book, the thousands of baby pictures and the by-the-book-to-the-letter childrearing.
Though I may have failed at completing the baby book, he does have an insane number of pictures. I can't really comment on the childrearing part yet. But I believe the most startling factor with the firstborn child is the sheer amount of change that comes with having a child.
Becoming a parent isn't a moment - it's a process. From the moment you find out you're pregnant, your life is different. Favorite food is off-limits. Those vitamins previously gathering dust on the shelf become part of a daily ritual. Excitement, fear, wonder and dread are all present in a manic conglomeration of emotions.
Hours are spent speculating how life is going to change. This is a wasted effort, because until it happens, it cannot be comprehended - Plato's allegory of the cave exhibiting its relevance to daily life all over again. Priorities begin to shift without conscious appreciation. The world becomes internally oriented as the baby begins to make its presence known.
And then, after months of waiting, the baby arrives. At that moment you realize - you truly begin to understand - life will never be the same. During those first few days home, punctuated by sleep deprivation, physical discomfort, raging hormones, and a baby who doesn't seem to care you exist, there is some grief in that.
But then things begin to subtly shift. Those ubiquitous baby tears begin to resolve with your voice rather than food or a tight swaddle. Fears of incompetency are slowly replaced with the comfort of practice and acquired knowledge. That first baby smile directed toward you makes you melt - as does the second, the third, the twenty-seventh, and the hundredth. You recognize that things are, in fact, different. Things that seemed so important before have been replaced with moments far more precious and special. And you are glad, truly grateful, that life will never be the same.
Before I had a child, I knew I was in love with my spouse. Now, I see physical proof every day - sure, in the eyes of my child, but also in the care, the love and the utter devotion my spouse lavishes on my child and myself. Our love is deeper as we become united in the common task of raising the child we created together.
My life has definitely changed. I am now a parent. And with that comes the insecurities of parenthood. But also, the confidence acquired in the knowledge that this is our child. Our conceptions of reality, a fusion of our individual upbringings and our shared life together, will become the framework for raising our child in this diverse and beautiful world. We will pass on the values we cherish to our child, who will hopefully come to share our appreciation of the world and the wonder of existence. It is an exciting and humbling endeavor.
This may be our "practice child". But this child is the one who will share the experience of our growing into the role of parenthood as we find our identities as "mom" and "dad". I like to think that perhaps, for him, it will be worth the trade-off of defined routine for the excitement in the establishment of a new shared existence.
